Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Bear Grylls Is A Fucking Idiot

I've only seen two bits of Bear Grylls' TV program. Is it just coincidence that both of them have brought me to the conclusion that he's a fucking idiot? The first time I just walked in in time to see him crawling breathlessly a few metres through a mangrove swamp in Panama. He finds some sort of mussel type thing, stabs it with his knife, tastes it, spits it out with a horrified "UGH" and throws the poor wasted thing away. He then climbs a tree for no apparent reason, takes his shirt off for no apparent reason, other than perhaps to give the lucky viewers a chance to see his torso and does a frivolous back flip off the tree back into the swamp. He then struggles another couple of meters onto a sandbank, spies a crab which he again stabs with his knife. He lets us know that the crab is well and truly dead, despite the fact that it is still desperately trying to flee and you can almost hear it screaming in pain and frustration. He then rips off one of its claws, sucks out some of the flesh, again finds that the taste is not to his liking and throws the wretched creature away.

The second clip that I saw was picked for me by the annoying guy with stupid hair from the Saturday Night Project. In it Bear Grylls is demonstrating that you can drink the freshly squeezed juice of elephant dung. Nobody needs to know that, let alone have it demonstrated. He's just showing off.

Now it may seem that all survival shows are this pointless and frivolous, but somehow people such as Ray Mears just don't seem that bad. Ray Mears is so much calmer and more thoughtful, and although I can't really see myself getting stranded in the Rockies and needing his camping skills, he does demonstrate things that you could see yourself doing. I cannot see myself trying still warm crab, nor elephant shit juice. Apparently I am not the only one to make this comparison.

If you're interested, the first clip I mentioned is here and here, but you really don't need to find a specific bit of his program it's all ridiculous, just before these clips he covers himself in mud.

UPDATE: I forgot to mention that my parents seem to think that Bear Grylls is some sort of modern day missionary, though I am not sure where they got that idea from.

UPDATE: Apparently he has helped some people.

UPDATE: Thanks to Anonymous below for pointing out:

These hilarious videos (you need to watch to the end):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UpSlpvb1is
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBmhNA7JME4#t=1m

And this video showing that Bear Grylls continuously lies about being the youngest Briton to climb Mount Everest.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XB7xjwq_6ng

46 comments:

hendry said...

Dude, no need to use the F-word.

He takes off his shirt in order in order to wring it of excess water.

I can imagine you probably would say there is "no apparent reason" for generally hunting and killing defenceless animals nowadays. You might be right, though I think it's quite fun. ;)

Jamie said...

I think swearing's ok on occasion, you use "shit" in "shitlist" after all.

Anonymous said...

He's a friggin' idiot alright! Talks too much, continuous nonsensical BS, perhaps way too much coffee?!!! What's wrong with his eyes? Why does he always bite the heads off things?

Ian J said...

What i would like to know is; how can he have done all he says he has done in 21 sas, when it takes 2 years to complete selection (the regulars take 6 months)

Ian

Anonymous said...

Well I think the show is made for entertainment purposes and to be honest, seeing him eat shit and backflipping and just doing ridiculous stunts is quite entertaining.

SMARTERNBEAR! said...

YOU ARE WRONG! BEAR GRYLLS IS A VERY DANGEROUS MOTHERFUCKING IDIOT WHO IS GOING TO GET SOMEONE KILLED PULLING THE DUMB SHIT HE PULLS ON HIS SHOW! HE DOES MORE TO JEOPARDIZE FOLKS SAFETY THAN IF THEY HAD NEVER HEARD OF OR SEEN HIS SHOWS TO BEGIN WITH! THE STUNTS HE RECOMMENDS TO GET ACROSS STREAMS, GLACIERS, RAVINES, ETC. WILL IMMEDIATELY RESULT IN BROKEN BONES OR DEATH AND THEN WHATCHA GONNA DO???!!! HE SURE AS HELL ISN'T GONNA JOIN THE SEARCH PARTY TO RECOVER YOUR CORPSE! EVER TRY TO WALK WITH A BROKEN TAIL BONE? YOU FEMUR JUTTING FROM A GIANT GASH IN YOUR LEG? EVER TRY TO MAKE A SOUND DECISION WITH A FRACTURED SKULL AND BRAIN SWELLING? HOW BOUT LYING AROUND PUKING YOUR GUTS OUT AND SLOWLY DYING OF DEHYDRATION? CHRIS MCANDLESS CAN TELL YOU ABOUT THAT ONE! HECK I USED TO THINK HE WAS THE BIGGEST DUMBASS EVER TO TAKE TO THE WOODS...BUT BEAR GRYLLS IS LEAPS AND BOUNDS AHEAD OF CHRIS! THE BEST WE CAN HOPE FOR IS THAT BEAR WILL GET KILLED IN ONE OF HIS EPISODES...IT CAN'T HAPPEN SOON ENOUGH! BETTER THAN SOME POOR IDIOT FOLLOWING HIS ADVICE AND TAKING A SHORTCUT TO THE GRAVE! BEAR GRYLLS IS THE ONLY BEAR I'D LIKE TO SEE DIE IN THE WILDERNESS!

Anna said...

He is a narcissistic self-profiteering animal killer for none other than the purpose of a television show! He has no respect for what he kills.

Aaron said...

your all retards honestly, if your stranded in an unknown area with no food, you find>kill>eat whatever you can find, jesus. he only stabs at the head (etc) because its the most humain thing to do in the situation. all of you who post things saying he is stupid/idiotic should jump off a cliff to save oxygen for the earth. The show is dedicated to teach people on how to survive in the wild. He talks fine imo. Anna, your a retard honestly. wow.

ok, he takes his shirt off to cool down, he climbs trees to have a better veiw of the surroundings. sigh, retards in the world

Jamie said...

You're right Aaron, I'm training for that day when I get stranded in a forest in the middle of Peru with just a sharp knife, just like the rest of his million viewers. Those survival skills, the ones that I can remember anyway, will come in really handy, just like my concrete bunker and weapons cache when the Ruskies attack.

Seriously though, part of my problem with him is that he *doesn't* eat what he kills, and he doesn't need to kill anything, and he's talking bullshit when he says he's killing it humanly and it's dead when it's patently alive and literally kicking. *And* he stays in comfortable hotels while filming. Unlike Ray Mears.

Also, we may be retards, but we do know how to use "your", "you're" and capital letters. Or maybe you can't reach the the shift button with your non-opposable thumb :)

Anonymous said...

He really is an idiot. My main issue with him is that he uses the word survival. What he does is the completely opposite of survival. You can point to half a dozen things in any one show that would quickly get you killed if you were really out there on your own. I'd be okay with the show if he never used the word survival. He's a stuntman. Plain and simple. He's doing stunts. Stupid, foolish, dangerous and often rigged stunts. That's fine if you call it what it is. But DO NOT call it survival.

Anonymous said...

i'v often had harder trips to work ! and i didnt take my top off or kill anything! But the Sheeping bag in ireland was funny!!

Anonymous said...

I love the way he seems to ignore the obvious so that the surroundings will fit better with the script. He was on a glacier surrounded by mountains and claimed that there were no fixed points of reference there....

Michael said...

I am sitting here watching him in Iceland, he truly is an idiot. He eats anything from moss to a rotting lambs corpses eyeballs and then just keeps unnecessarily getting undressed? Bizarre but addictive TV...

He's like the outdoor action version of Dog the Bounty Hunter.

Anonymous said...

"I've only seen two bits of Bear Grylls' TV program". "Is it just coincidence that both of them have brought me to the conclusion that he's a fucking idiot?". After reading that bold statement I wanted to destroy what you wrote, because it's complete rubish and more than likely written out of spite. Perhaps you stubbed your toe, or you just got done recieving a wedgie or something, and by chance Bear Grylls' show was on and you were so bent that you had to blog. You think he wastes what he hunts? I hope your a vegetarian because if not you deserve the be kicked in the balls, or vagina. How many times have you scrapped your plate in your life? I bet you can't count the amount of times on both hands. He climbs a tree, and then he continues to do a backflip, and during this you were thinking this is pointless? He's in the fucking jungle man, forgive him if he feels a little revitalized or maybe a hint of the "animal spirit" so to speak. The crab was screaming in pain? Ok day-time emmy. You act as if he nailed the thing down, dectected and tormented every orfice of the crabs body. The rest of your ranting is clearly presented with just irratation. I know this becuase you commented on some random dudes hair. You called it stupid. Don't be stupid, be valid. If you see Bear Grylls do something truely stupid, like eat one of the camera's for example, then come back and tell me i'm silly. But as of right now, your silly.

Jamie said...

Oh come on, Justin Lee Collins does have stupid hair.

Anonymous said...

True, I doubt many of us now have converted our plates into scrap. But mr Anonymous, how does that convert into any moral authority on eating or not eating animals you have just killed? I'm confused.

"He climbs a tree, and then he continues to do a backflip, and during this you were thinking this is pointless"
Sorry, but unless you are in a Kung Fu film, it is utterly pointless in a really tedious 'look at me, LOOK AT ME!' show off way. I doubt it is an authentic hunting technique unless you are relying on any animals so be so caught up in sadly shaking their heads on seeing this that you can easily slaughter 'em.

Anonymous said...

I am interested in how you would dectect a crab's orfice.

Anonymous said...

there's a crap for that

Adamski said...

Further to the grammatical corrections above I believe the word is humane/humanely not humain, humanly or any other variations I've missed.

Personally Jamie, I felt your opening was more "humourous musing" than "bold statement", but I do like the implication that vegetarians always clear their plates - presumably they are so malnourished that they daren't leave any food ;). Also, if anybody's writing style is that of a person on the wrong end of a wedgie I think it is him.

Finally, "Don't be stupid, be valid" - that should definitely be on a t-shirt (perhaps Nike could replace Just Do It with it).

Jamie said...

Definitely sounds like a Kai-ism that.

Aifric18 said...

Bear Grylls..what really pisses me off is when he makes all these false statements suiting the surroundings he is in regarding X amount of people dying here and there in simular situations he is in. That's all well and good when you are the unsuspecting viewer.I never questioned these statements for who am I to know the truth? BUT, when he did the episode in Ireland, he made some crazy statements, that are not in the slightest bit true, I would know as I live in Ireland and would definatley have heard of these events..especially as the country is so small news spreads fast! I even made extra sure and researched his unfounded claims of "tens of thousand of ships washing up on the west coast alone"...BULLSHIT! Anyways,thats all! :D

Auzziegob said...

This Grylls bloke makes me fucking sick everytime his dopey frigging shows are advertised on tv.
I can't stand the site of this self promoting fraudulent git.
I watched 2 of his Man v Wild episodes and hoped that next time the fuckwit godgobber crossed himself and jumped out of a plane he would plummet to his death.

Auzziegob said...

I'd like to know when this fuckwit moron Grylls decided it would be a good idea to start saying "like" in practically every daft sentence he utters.He's obviously doing it on purpose.
He comes across a real prick and a dead set wanker.

Anonymous said...

bear grylls is indeed a dangerous idiot, he is going to get someone killed as they will try what he shows, which is not correct survival techniques, i saw one of his show in eastern europe traversing some mountains, he lowered himself down a cliff, he couldn't reach a shelf he was trying to get to, so he cut the rope to reach it, enough said realy.

Anonymous said...

Ahhh...let's all get stranded in the jungle with a camera crew, do some back flips off of cliffs and then "float"/bounce down a white-water river.

All in the name of survival.

I would much rather watch cody lundin or les stroud. This guy is a joke.

Anonymous said...

Haha he's an absolute muppet!
But absolute entertainment! What a massive LAD!!!

Anonymous said...

He's an idiot. I'm former military and he does everything we were taught not to do in a survival situation.

His whole show is a setup. I watched him catch a fish from a beach and when he pulled it out of the water the thing wouldn't move at all, and I mean AT ALL. The thing was deader than shit already. Can you say SET UP.

Anonymous said...

Bear leaves behind a big human footprint during his "for entertainment purpose only" shows. Everywhere he goes, he lays waste to the poor environment and it's indigenous wildlife. What moron would be there in the first place? Oh, by the way, just because he was an SAS operator doesn't mean he's qualified to teach survival skills in the wild.

Anonymous said...

I tottally agree with you on this one! Bear grylls is an idiot, period.plreamb

Anonymous said...

I can't believe that people think that his show is useful... Some of the people out there are just stupid. I can't read the comments to this blog anymore because of the surprising few who think Bear Grylls is a survivalist. Whatever happened to that other show that was on the discovery channel a few years back? That wasn't so flashy and didn't have really any stunts but it made way more sense than most of the shit that Grylls does.

Anonymous said...

Dude He's not a fucking idiot, you ARE! He obviousley does all this stuff you mentioned for reason... U got problems that need sorting out if your going to have a hissy fit over this...

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this. Bear Grylls is the biggest idiot ever. In terms of survival he knows nothing. It's just a useless TV-Show. killing animals just for fun is pathetic. have a look at his website, first picture

http://beargrylls.com/

looks like an idiot, is an idiot

Anonymous said...

I agree Les Stroud is fantastic ! Bear Grylls is just pointless and embarrassing to watch

Anonymous said...

The fans of bear grylls are so dumb, they came here after search on google every person talk bad things about him and try defend whe the idiot do and this fans like kill animals for no reason, if you will kill a animal this days you need it. Because these days you dont need fur anymore to keep you warm, clothes can be make with things less expensive.

Anonymous said...

Everyone here is stupid, friend or foe of mr. Grylls 90% of you sound dumb, except the guy that said cody lundin and les straud are better

Anonymous said...

You're the retard...bear is an idiot. I don't know how you can't see it

Anonymous said...

Great post by the way. That's funny what you pointed out.

I used to like bear grylls until I watched the following videos.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBmhNA7JME4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UpSlpvb1is

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XB7xjwq_6ng

edgar gonzalez said...

R u retarded or something if u see all his shows u would know he has sympathy for all the animals he kills..he is also a very religious man.

Anonymous said...

I love this rant. It's so nice to hear that others have the same thoughts and opinions as me on the ridiculous toff that is 'bear grylls'

Caveman said...

I've heard from some of the people who used to work with him (his film crew), that he's a narcissistic asshole who only cares about making himself look cool at all expense.


To be honest I would forgive his behaviour as pure marketing to gather viewers...but given what I heard above...yeah, I think your post may be spot on.

Anonymous said...

I just watched him climb up 100ft cliff on an old rope that he 'tested' by pulling on it a bit. when he was 5 metres up, leaning back, if the rope gave way he wud have caved his bloody head in on the rocks of the opposite cliff face. his advice was to 'not look down'. yea mate, ropes are allways secure if you don't look down. BLOKES A IDIOTIC TV STUNTMAN, and nobody shud take advice from him, unless they want to know how to be an idiot. Survival/safety/common sense? this bloke has nothing to do with any of that. and his survival products a tat.

Anonymous said...

Grylls is giving British Special Forces a bad name by behaving like a prat. No one who has done SF selection has behaved like an out of control bunny with a dildo up his arse, you don,t have the energy on combat survival to bounce around ,leaping into dangerous rivers which WILL kill you by drowning or Hyperthermia , he would be binned in no time if he started risking his life or drank his own piss .21 selection is not Regular SF and he needs to be given a SHAKE by some guys who know so much more . I would take his Passport away and send him home to play with his dollies .

solerso said...

I've only seen one partial episode wherein, he made a "raft" out of some plastic bags/sheeting and pieces of styrofoam garbage he unwound from some dead trees in the middle of a winter Stream. The purpose was to float down a fast moving stream during middle of a winter. Why? I don't know, when he could have walked along the bank. There was ice all along the shores of the stream he was about to float. He was wearing his usual Gap/Banana Republic type outfit. He then submerged himself nearly completely in the icy stream, clinging to the garbage, floated some unknown distance then abandoned the trash where he got up, and climbed out the ice water and continued on foot somewhere, talking to the camera. That's where I parted company and turned it off.. .. The segment should have been called "How to Die of hypothermia in 1 hour or less"

Anonymous said...

Absolutely spot on judgement. The blokes a total tool. The sooner he comes a cropper the better

Auzziegob said...

I larf meself to near fuckin choking every time this numb nut skid mark Grylls calls a Tropical Island a Desert Island.
The dopey prick sits in a boat next to a landscape of tropical jungle yet he repeatedly refers to these places as desert islands.
Grylls has a disgusting obsession with drinking piss. Why the fuckin heck do people let him talk them into the very unhealthy and detrimental act of swigging down their own piss. It's a complete mystery to me.
The filthy git will be into turds next.

I May Have a Stroke said...

I agree that his killing innocent creatures for entertainment value and his documented lying make him a complete and total malignant narcissist. Typical loud-mouthed, immodest, self-aggrandizing braggart. The only time I'll ever tune in to his mindless, low-brow entertainment is in the event we're fortunate enough to see him meet his demise showing off on camera. He's the opposite of Steve Irwin who was concerned for nature rather than only exploiting it.